I'm telling you, there will come a day when I have a mustache as magnificent as Sam Elliot's.
We all know that there's been a sudden mustache resergence. It seems like you couldn't go anywhere this summer without seeing some 30 year old hipster on a fixie rockin' a well waxed stache. Let's face it though, these so called staches are temporary, a good joke for a weekend at the bar but once the novelty wears off, off comes the stache. Hell, most of those guys probably didn't even grow it proper. They probably told you "I'm growin' a beard man." Then a week later, suddenly the beard was gone, replaced by a "stylish" supervillain facial hair.
That's not how Sam Elliot rolls, no sir. You see that man up above here (pause, look), now that, THAT is a fuckin' mustache. You think he grew a beard first and THEN got a mustache? HELL NO. Sam Elliot looks in the fuckin mirror and TELLS his mustache to grow...yeah. And not just some nambly pambly stache either, mother fucker has a goddam feather duster up there. You need to clean house, get your walnut furniture lookin' good, well spray some pledge and call Sam Elliot to come over and run that glorious soup strainer across the dining room table and get a shine that can only be provided by a TRUE bad ass. You wanna know who's the Walrus? Sam Elliot's mustache you Nancy!